My Fear of Being Seen Held Me Back From Starting My Life For Years

And how I am finally gathering the courage to take it back and live the life I’ve always wanted.

I always thought that life was about a few steps to having it all together. Go to high school, go to a college or seek some form of education after high school, get a job, get married eventually, have kids and buy a house. Done.

I was taken by surprise after graduating college with my master’s, and not automatically succeeding the way I thought I was supposed to. And that was devastating to my fragile ego. I had done everything I was told I had to do in order to succeed, and I felt I had failed miserably. Mind you I do not think this way at all these days but at that time, I felt my world was falling apart and I had no idea where to go next.

To go a little deeper, the reason I did what I was told in order to ‘succeed’ wasn’t just based on my desire to have a good life but also out of fear that if I stood out, I would make others uncomfortable with me. That notion drove my behavior for YEARS. I remember I would always do my best to mediate or try to control a situation and behave in a way that made others conformable. I would force myself to blend in, even when I didn’t want to, because the idea of being disliked was so terrifying. And when that didn’t work I would blame myself for not…